06/06/2010
As I sit here in my hotel room less than 24 hours from my departure from the West Coast permanently..... The mecca I have known my entire 31 years. The pollution, noise, traffic, bad attitudes, negative "kill or be killed" energy, inflated prices and cost of living become annoying little pangs- instead of paramount questions of stability in my future. I thought I might find relief like this in bits and pieces as our journey evolved. Never did I think for a second, the comfort level would start its regeneration process this soon. I wake up tomorrow, walk on to a plane and 3.93 cents a gallon is a figment of the past.
Now this by NO means, portrays the fact that I believe all my problems are solved as a single struggling Mother. It does help to be with, or have family that truly care about you and your well being in these unsettling economic times!
South Carolina was birthed from a request by my biological Father David, of me- 5 years ago when I first became a very young divorcee of two. A request for a "fresh start".
It has been a request of personal and moral inventory, damage control and finally conflict resolution. It has literally taken me 5 years to get to a place in my life, that I could even consider moving across country.
Now, I sit here on the eve of this pilgrimage, I look back at all that I have accomplished, I look forward to all that I will accomplish and accept all that will still stay stagnant.
The order of all of these things is dizzying. The tallest of this order, the opportunity to bridge a gap, fill a void, complete a cyclic, familial hiccup!
06/07/10
28,000 feet up, in the pitch black ribbon of sky we succeed for our deliverance, seemingly the only souls in flight we migrate towards our new beginning. A better life, a stronger connection, a hidden answer to our identities. I am reduced to a 6 y/o strawberry blond, with braids. My Nicholas is NOT the only child on this journey. My inner child has been waiting patiently for this... oh so patiently. 31 years patiently.
All of my childhood wishes and unspoken prayers, through many tears, bruises and CPS visits- are being answered. The 6 y/o in me wants to rejoice for I have come full circle, one most adoptees never see complete in their lifetime. This is closure so few in my shoes ever have the circumstance to feel.
As both my Father on my right, and my Son on my left sleep soundly, I write feverishly and fluidly. By the dim and insufficient light of the overhead lamp on this aircraft, I poor my heart out in to my journal, trying to capture ALL of the raw emotion accompanying this amazing experience. Even the most esteemed Authors would find a hurdle of emotion, causing a lack of productivity. Though, as always, I still find myself putting "pen to paper" and hashing out some of the millions of fleeting thoughts I am having.
The 6 y/o strawberry blond with braids, kicking her legs as they swing off the seat she is fastened to, uncannily resembles the 31 y/o adult that occupies the boarding pass and overhead bins attached to that seat.
She has broken wings, a heavy heart and a wounded soul... but her spirit remains abounding with reaffirmed faith- wishes do come true!
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The 6/7/10 entry is really lovely. Poetic and beautiful writing, and really sharing something with us that is deep in your soul. I miss you and am sad that I did not get to give you one last hug goodbye and tell you how much I love you and how much it means to me to have reconnected with you and have you in my life again. I am proud of you, and I am so happy and hopeful for you. And damn, it's been a while since I've been here- the picture on you is so smokin' hot! XOXO
ReplyDeletePearl!!!! I MISS YOU TOO.... I will be back for that hug at the end of July or first week of August. Still figuring out best deal for airfare. We have always been connected at the soul... there was just some topographic distance between us..as there is now! This has never caused any trauma to our friendship as it won't this time either. You know how much I appreciate you're comments and feedback. I love you and cannot wait for my hug, that I will be reeping with vengence upon my brief return. Until then my dear, DUCK AND COVER... just read about the 5.7 down South at you're border. I want you in one piece when I arrive. ;) XO
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so descriptive. I can visualize the little 6 year old sitting in your seat, as you are somehow having an out-of-body experience, looking down on it all, and thinking you must be dreaming. Please keep writing so I can live vicariously through your experiences. You deserve these wishes to come true Kate, we all do, but I couldn't be happier that it happened for you.
ReplyDeletethank you Brie... you of all people truly identify with my experiences... I really tried to depict that parallel of two people- My inner child and adult being. I am pretty happy with that depiction... and as always love love love the feedback.
ReplyDeleteJust the fact you would take the time to read one of my "creations", means more to me than you know. I plan to keep writing as much as possible... keep an eye out for my next post. "The Map"... its gonna be a doozy! XO
Well now I see why many feel you should write a book. This is beautilful writing Kate, it is soulfull. If you were a singer you would sound like a over sized black women singing the blues. Fabulous. I will be waiting for the next post. You have a gift that will touch many. Oh I have to go its 2:20 and I have to oick you guys up........HA!
ReplyDeleteAhahahaha well Anonymous... I love ya like a sister... are you sure Barb didn't give birth to conjoined twins? I mean... "I AM JUST SAYIN"!!!!
ReplyDeleteVBS has been an amazing reconnection for us and for the most important man in my life! The one who has never left my side this whole time... love you, and thank you for reading!
Look how many comments you have! Your blog is catching on my dear!!! I will be in New York beginning mid-July, so our hug will have to wait. We'll see when fate has in store for our physical reunion. Until then, thank goodness for facebook and for our loyalty to each other's writing. Your reading and comments mean the world to me, as does reading your writing. Much love my sistah!!!
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